Nightmares And Places Behind

        The chocolate buck, so tall in Azura's mind, bent and hefted the pile of rope in his arms with much more ease than the doe had been capable of herself. She tilted her head slightly, wandering, not for the first time, how much easier life would be if she was only half an inch or so taller. She wouldn’t feel like the odd one out for example, and she wouldn’t have to crane her neck to look at everyone else, and picking up things would be so much easier. And, she thought, [/i] I wouldn’t have to have strangers help me do things…[/i] But alas, normal height was not her fate and she really ought to stop groaning over it. There was nothing wrong with her size. Besides, she wasn’t that small, now was she? When the Buck next spoke, he sounded jovial and playful, his voice not at all indicating the rope was so extremely heavy that he sounded strained. This made Azura feel slightly better about having someone else do her work for her, and she flashed a quick grin coupled with a light chuckle at his words. The mouse seemed friendly enough, that much was evident. After he gave his name, the doe gave another glance up at him. Buckwheat? It was a unique name, and yet she liked it. It sounded… She couldn’t quite think of a way to describe it, but the young girl liked it.

        As he tossed another question into the conversation, Azura gave a slight start and looked away. She had been staring. And of course he wanted to know what she was doing with something like this. ”It belonged to my Aunt, but she…” Azura’s eyes began watering again and she rushed on, ”Well, I was going to bring it back to my home, up in the pine tree, but I go right through the winterheap on the way there so I figured I’d stop by and say Hi to my mother…” The girl’s voice trailed off as she realized what a foolish idea this was. She did not need another yelling competition with her family right now, not while she was so vulnerable. She also realized that Buckwheat would probably start to regret his decision of helping her when he realized that she was planning to go farther than the winterheap. The buck probably hadn’t expected to be carrying such a weight all the way, and she wouldn’t blame him if he dropped the rope off at the market and went his own way. She would be thankful for him either way, and she new she really couldn’t expect him to go all the way tp the tree. Even he would grow tired after walking that distance. She stared at floor, feeling foolish and naive as she waited for some type of response from the kind buck. 

The snowy doe gave a tight smile and a nod of her head as Buckwheat went on to comment on Liana and death. She knew he was right, the information was nothing new, and she knew that sooner or later she would be at peace with her aunt's death. But for now, Azura simply could put it behind her, try as she might. The girl had been far too dependent on Liana, she saw that now. Reflecting on the flashback-dream she had just had, the pale mouse knew that her Aunt's time had come and gone and it was high time that Azura learn to cope with that and live a little. Liana would have wanted that. And Azura would do anything for her beloved Aunt, even if it was too late. So, Azura thought, I guess it's time I finally learned to be social and pleasant. The girl arranged the most pleasant looking expression she could muster and made an attempt to relax her body a bit.

An expression of surprise mingled with immense gratitude washed over the girl's features as Buckwheat told her that he would accompany her all the way back to the tree. That was extremely kind of him, and the girl had to admit she hadn't been expecting it in the slightest. As the chocolate buck continued, Azura sub-consciously bit her lip. Was there anyway she could veto visiting her mother without drawing attention to it? She really, really did not feel like facing anymore drama than absolutely necessary right now, and going up to her only parent would guarantee a huge pile of drama just waiting to happen. "Um you know, I'll just go with you, I don't really need to see her we just spoke a few days ago." Azura stared at the ground, feeling guilty for lying to the mouse. The last time her mother and she had talked was at least a week ago. And yet she did not feel like pouring out all of her problems onto the poor guy. He was doing enough already. "If you don't mind, I mean," With her gaze still stubbornly glued to the soil at her feet, she moved to pick up the coin he had mentioned. She toed the earth in a shameful quiet, before adding on, "Sorry for all the trouble, sir."

389 | Buckwheat | Notes

The girl pressed her lips together tightly as Buckwheat told her that they never knew when someone would pass. Azura knew this fact all too well, and yet she didn't feel anymore obligated to go visit her family. No, she would avoid them, for now at least. She could do with a good, long break from the shouting and breaking things, from the tears and guilt. The girl felt an unexpected surge of appreciation and affection for the kind buck. Here he was, doing everything he could to help out a complete stranger, and here she was, lying and confusing him and stars know what else. She felt like smacking her forehead with a paw, and yet she didn't, choosing to instead pass the coin she was holding to her other paw. She was so extremely awful at this whole 'social' thing. Azura couldn't help but ponder how everyone else did it and avoided hiding their face every other minute. Overall, she had accomplished more in the way of making conversation than she had in a while, which wasn't saying much. She didn't want to mess it up so early in. "Really, I'm sure she won't mind, and I'm not really sure she's even home right now. More often than not, she's off at some other mouse's home. Besides, I'm not sure I'm in the mood right now..." Her voice drifted off. At least that time she had been more honest. Her mother did spend the majority of her time away from the house, refusing to care for her children and instead enjoying herself by grabbing a drink or hitting it off at some buck's home. The girl mentally shook her head in shame, not knowing how her only parent could be so careless about, well, everything. She definitely did not want Buckwheat to know this about her dear old mother, not after she just met him. How would he look at her, if he knew? Would he shake his head just as she had almost done, would he claim that she was the offspring of a drunken and reckless one-night stand? Azura had no clue who her father was, all she knew was that he had died before she was even a week old. She doubted she could be much more proud of him than she was of her mother, and yet she liked to think that he was a brave, noble, and kind mouse who just happened to catch the eye of the wrong doe. 

She was broken from her cavern of thoughts as the buck suggested that they go ahead and move along. The doe felt her cheeks flush with warmth. They had been talking for a bit too long, yes, she should have started walking earlier. The poor guy, his arms were probably getting tired despite his assurance that they were not. She smiled at his last words, giving a relieved giggle because she knew how heavy that rope was and yet he didn't seem upset that he had been standing around for so long. "Sounds good to me," she chirped cheerfully. Indeed, he sounded as playful as ever. She began walking forward with a subtle bounce to her steps, hoping that everything would go smoothly from here on. Despite her better judgement, Azura decided that she would try and make conversation. "So," she said, walked over a fallen, green leaf, "Do you go to the market often?" The girl raised the coin to eye-level, observing it while at the same time being careful not to make a mis-step. She thought that Buckwheat looked slightly familiar, maybe she had seen him during one of her visits to Winterwhisker's homes before she changed to Woodtail. It was possible, but she wasn't surprised that she really couldn't recall a specific time she had seen him. There were too many mice within the colony for someone like her to keep track of. She hardly knew the names of forty mice, let alone all of them. She let her arm drop back to her side, abandoning her observations and instead returning her attention to the buck.

The young buck seemed to drop the matter of her mother, allowing Azura a small sigh of relief. That was one obstacle out of the way, her parents. The girl raised her paw to the wooden pendant hanging from her neck, running a finger over the smooth bird as she had hundreds of times before. It was the only item that she had of her father’s, an item she treasured greatly. The edges of the carved wood had once been more defined, but after ages of her running her paw over it, the corners and edges had rounded noticeably, making it seem as if it were softening as it grew older. She nodded her head slightly at Buckwheat’s words, acknowledging that she had heard what he was saying about the marketplace, however much her mind might be wandering. The snowy doe felt her lips tug upward, imagining the mouse beside her navigating the homes and shops of Winterwhisker as she had done before. Perhaps they had passed each other when she was younger.

The chocolate man seemed to have read her very mind as he seemed to guide the conversation with apparent ease, voicing the question that had been lingering in the back of Azura’s mind. "Yes, you most likely have seen me here or there, assuming you live in the pine too? I switched to Woodtail coming up on two weeks ago -- I used to be a Winterwhisker. I must say, the tree does provide a fantastic wake-up view.” She smiled at her words, having enjoyed all of her mornings in the tree admiring the scene that stretched so far below her while she completed various chores. The effect was stunning, as she had set her home nearly a half a dozen feet in the air, on a friendly-looking and wide branch. The girl’s head swiveled back to Buckwheat as he threw his suggestion into the small-talk, and she found herself nodding in agreement even as she replied, "Sure! I don’t see why not,” She beamed up at him, quite frankly feeling proud of herself for getting along so well with a complete stranger. Sure, they may have had a slightly bumpy start, but the road seemed to be evening out from here. Remembering her original idea of making conversation, the pale mouse racked her mind, searching for the right thing to say.

The petite mouse nodded her head vigorously with a small grin on her face, showing just how much she agreed with the buck about the tree. She much preferred living there to the boring, cement walls of her Aunt's... Not that she hadn't loved living with Liana. She sighed inwardly, telling herself that it was okay, maybe even good, that she was enjoying life in the tall tree more. If she could accept that, it was one more step towards letting her Aunt go. And stars knew it was high time for that to happen. Just how long, she wondered, she would be like this about Liana, she did not know. But she did know that it wasn't healthy, to have her every thought haunted by this. Azura cleared her mind, wanting to focus on the conversation. Buckwheat went on to tell her about all the adventures she would be likely to experience with the Woodtails, and her mind immediately flashed to the adventure she had already been on. She smiled, laughing at herself for having been so nervous, remembering the three other mice that she had met, and reflecting upon the troublesome journey across the yard. Overall, she had been quite proud of herself for even considering setting out across that yard, but the fact that she had actually tried was even better. "Funnily enough, I've already been on one," she commented. It had been quite the experience.

She bobbed her head slightly at his words, his enthusiastic response only increasing her good mood. Fantastic, huh? Azura rubbed her fingers across the coin without really realizing she was doing it, feeling the bumps and grooves cut into the metal. The pale doe tilted her head up at the chocolate mouse at his next question, feeling almost flattered that he had taken this aspect of her move into consideration. Her answer, of course, was obvious to her. "Are you kidding? I love it! I mean, everything from the constant chance for adventure, living in the pine tree, all the mice who surround me..." She cut herself off, knowing that she could go on listing things for a very long time. Life as a Woodtail had certainly exceeded her expectations, and she was ever so slightly envious of mice like Buckwheat, who had grown up and spent their whole life in the wonderful clan. That was assuming that he had been born into Woodtail and hadn't transferred there, of course, which was the more likely story. "I sort of wish I'd switched before now." She didn't bother to say that she knew she never would have, not while Liana was still holding her in Winterwhisker. The pale mouse would never have left her Aunt. Did that make her death a good thing? Her stomach twisted and she felt slightly disgusted with herself. How could it have been a good thing? How could the death of such a wonderful, such a perfect mouse be a good thing? Azura wanted to go on, battering herself for thinking such a thing, but she pushed the thoughts to a lonely corner of her mind specifically reserved for times like this. She would not bully herself over this.